11/23/21 Chapter 19 “Reconciling with PURPOSE” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4LiYbntP_g Hi everyone! As usual, this letter has been started and stopped over several days. We have spent the last 9 of 10 nights on the road and are finally back “home,” but still have a busy couple of days ahead. We’re doing well! No matter how hard it appears- God is always there and it always turns out, so we’re going to accept this pace and intensity and put our energy into learning to roll and duck and stretch and grow rather than in hoping it will slow down. It’s just going to be like this, and we absolutely know we’ll be blessed to handle it. I told some of the missionaries this week that my weaknesses are still terribly visible to me, but somehow over the years, the spirit is able to more quickly and more fully rescue me from doubt and fear and lift me into an eternal perspective. I’m so grateful for that gift. God is so generous with His portions of hope. I know in whom I place my trust and in nothing else has there been a more worthy pursuit! One of my grandsons helped me identify a pattern that has proved helpful in achieving that. That is to give purpose to our challenges. After hearing that he was crying every night for the first few months because he missed us so badly, I asked our mission therapist how we could help him. I shared with him that in every letter or conversation he would say things like, “I know you and Opa are saving the world, but I really miss you” or “I know the Prophet has asked you to go, but I really miss you.” He pointed out to me how Nash was instinctively trying to reconcile his grief with purpose and it was a brilliant coping mechanism; one he tries to get the missionaries to use! Since then, I’ve recognized that same pattern in my own reconciliations and have found great power in it, especially because it gives the Savior a prominent place in the solution! After speaking in Stake Conference this weekend, a woman came up to me and said, “I don’t know how you leave your grandchildren for 3 years. I just couldn’t do it.” I thought for a second, considering the miracle that has brought us here and replied, “I think it helps to focus on what you’re walking toward, not from.” Like any human who loves, we’d fall apart if we only looked back at what we’d left. Especially when what lies before us is so compelling. That purpose has the power to overcome the pain of separation. Last evening a sister missionary, in her second transfer, hung back from a conference we’d just held and asked to speak with me. We went into a little classroom and shut the door for privacy where she threw her arms around me and sobbed. I just held her, stroked her hair and let her take the time she needed. She managed to whisper, “Thank you, this feels safe.” When she was ready, we sat down and I pulled my chair up to hers; knee to knee and held her hands while she spoke about her love of the work and the people and her companion but felt overcome with emotion she couldn’t pin down. Bless her heart! I asked her if it would surprise her to know I have felt the same way? Away from home on Thanksgiving eve, her heart was naturally inclined to what she had left behind. It’s the most human response we have when we love people. The only antidote, besides loosing ourselves in the work, is to connect with our purpose; our reason for coming in the first place. She relaxed with hope as she realized the two strong feelings of loss and purpose could exist in the same place as she made her purpose the greater focus. When we learned our oldest son, Jordan, was to be sustained and set apart as Bishop this weekend, we knew exactly how inadequate and overwhelmed he would be feeling, but we also knew the only way to reconcile the sacrifices would be to focus on what it’s all for! When we’re able to do that, we make our sacrifices Holy and eventually discover they are no sacrifice at all! We do what we do for Christ! Because we love Him! All the satisfactions of being a disciple are found in relationships; with our missionaries, with our family, all those we labor with, and with Christ. Identifying that purpose deflects the feelings of loss, motivates us through separation, buffers lasting pain and reveals indescribable joy! The last day of our road trip we were able to visit a tiny little branch at Fort Leonard Wood Military Base. When we arrived, they scrapped the speakers they had planned and turned the whole meeting over to us. Though that was a surprise, the spirit whispered their needs and we simply spoke the soothing words of the Savior. These incredible men and women were eager and open as Rick spoke to them about how natural it was to think of home during this season, but invited them to let their hearts be drawn to their Heavenly home; where we lived before we came to earth and where we’d be able to return after this life. I shared how God wishes to give liberally (generously) to those who ask and about how eagerly He forgives because his purpose was to save us, not to condemn, us! There were 150 soldiers, most of which were not of our faith, but who had found refuge and peace in our meetings. The same age as our missionaries, many of them away from home for the first time, and needing to be stronger than they felt inside. They too are sustained through their purpose: their sense of duty, love of countries and desire to serve! The common thread for us ALL is to have found purpose in our challenge! It is the only thing to hold on to when times get tough! Of course, the greatest example of being sustained by purpose is our Savior. Even He asked to be spared from the cross if there was some other way. But when the most difficult event of his life was before Him, He chose to willingly endure it... because of LOVE! WE were his purpose! I find the greatest of consolation in that truth at this Thanksgiving time! He found the strength, the will and the motivation to finish the agony of His Atonement out of love for US! And I find the strength to do what is required of me- out of love for HIM! Jeffery R. Holland said it this way, “…The first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed, it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor… No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]. … He will [always] stand by us..” This Thanksgiving I cannot think of ANYTHING I want to hold on to more than this truth! I know God gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. “… They that wait upon [Him] shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles…” “For … the Lord … God will hold [their] right hand, saying unto [them], Fear not; I will help thee.” (Isaiah 40:28, 29, 31) If we give our heart to God, if we love the Lord Jesus Christ, if we do the best we can to live the gospel, then tomorrow—and every other day—is ultimately going to be magnificent. That has certainly been the case for us! I know it can be so for you! With all my heart I know it’s true! Have a blessed and happy Thanksgiving! Elder and Sister Collins

Chapter 18 "A piece of my heart"

2021-11-14 “A piece of my heart” Last Sunday morning, Rick felt strongly we should attend a tiny little ward in Anderson. The sisters there had been excitedly writing of miracles as they had been led to people who wanted to be taught. Since they were expecting 5 new investigating friends to be there that day, we wanted to support them. It was just over the border in Missouri in a little obscure township in the country. 

When we arrived, we found a tiny little chapel about the size of a Relief Society room. The burlap - covered side walls were slanted wide at the bottom and narrowing near the ceiling like the upside-down hull of a ship. A great white wall stood majestically at the apex behind the pulpit. It was a fast and testimony meeting and after the Bishop recognized us, or at least our tags, he invited us to offer our testimonies. 

 As we stood together at the pulpit and looked out at the congregation, the sweetness amongst the diversity took my breath away…A group of Pompeian saints dressed in colorful tribal robes sat in the back with earphones for translation, Spanish speaking members sat scattered across the congregation- the older ones also using head phones, a host of humble folk who looked like the cast of the Waltons TV show, but glowing with the spirit were interspersed. Five investigating friends sat sandwiched between the sisters who had found them -the challenges of life etched upon their faces, and a small army of transplants mixed about who could have been from our ward in Utah, but who have relocated here because they felt a pull to build Zion in this remote garden plot. 

 I don’t know what the group of humble saints looked like who were taught by the prophet Alma after having been cast out of the synagogues because of their poverty, but I imagine it might have looked like those before us that morning. The spirit was one of the strongest we have ever felt in a church building. It had nothing to do with us and everything to do with their love and care and genuine concern they had for one another! 

It was there as some of the most unpolished people you can imagine shared their love for the Savior and for one another, including a grateful investigating friend; a self -described “biker girl,” covered in tattoos whose house, and all her earthly possessions, had burned to the ground weeks before. 

 She reverently came to the front of the chapel with all the charred remains of her life inside a metal box, which she had placed in large paper grocery bag that crinkled loudly as she carried it to the stand. As she gingerly unpacked it for all to see, she tearfully expressed gratitude for every person in that little chapel.

Immediately after the fire, she had gone from church to church in search of help and was turned away, asked to leave, or told they didn’t have time or resources to help her. At each church, she told herself, “That’s ok, God wasn’t there anyway. But when them two sisters came and found me” she said, pointing at our missionaries, “they brought God with them and promised they would return with an army of helpers.” 

The next day the entire ward (men, women and children) showed up to help a woman they didn’t even know to pick through the charred remains of her homestead and recover a few precious items. Children found and polished little crystals from a chandelier and few pieces of jewelry which she held up one at a time, men brought bobcats and shovels to push the huge pile of wet ash and clear the land again, others provided sandwiches, homemade brownies and water to the workers, others brought clothing and supplies for basic living and somehow- they raised enough cash to help her rebuild. 

It was a miracle, but not an unusual one. Church members have always had a mind-set of service and that service seemed to have bonded her to them as much as it did them to her! 

 They were no respecters of persons in this little group. All were valued and beloved; a Hodge- podge group of saints whose first priority was loving God and loving each other no matter how different.

Near the conclusion of the meeting, a tiny little boy with glowing yellow hair parted down the middle, the long sides swooping over each ear, stood radiantly at the pulpit. His little face barely reached the mic., but with the confidence of a seasoned adult, he bore witness that “no matter what hard thing happens in our lives, Jesus loves us and will help us through! 

He introduced himself as Jonny Spender Taylor and held up little strips of torn paper on which he’d written some of the things, he’d heard others say during the meeting. He promised us that they were the words the Savior would have said to us if He were here and, in every way, I felt He was! It was as sacred an experience as I’ve had in any temple, and I will remember it forever! A piece of my heart remains in Anderson, Missouri! 

Last night we had the privilege to spend a couple of hours with 150 youth of the Springfield South Stake. Sandwiched in between dinner and a dance, they had asked us to do a fireside for them. We were told by 3 different adult leaders that the youth leaders who planned it had made a short list of potential people they might like to ask. Their qualifiers were this: Can’t be too old, can’t be too young and can’t be arrogant. (Interesting parameters) Some of the others on the list were the coach of the Kansas City Royals, and the picher for the Kansas City Chiefs. Given how new we were, we marveled we had even been considered, even though we recognized we were probably the back up plan. 

But according to the youth, the reason they thought of us, was because of the Sunday morning session of Stake conference back in August; the one I complained about being so unpredictable when we were asked by Elder Yaggi, as we left Saturday night session, to stand and teach at the pulpit together the next morning. And we did! Though we stressed the rest of the night how to turn the individual talks we had prepared into a duo and who’s to use. We can now see, that in addition to whatever that exercise was about for us, it hit a chord with stake members and the youth in particular. 

 So last night, we did it together again, volleying back and forth, interacting with the youth and inviting a revelatory discussion. We felt to put away our notes, and simply connected eye to eye, so not even a piece of paper would be between us. Their insights were so meaningful and their gratitude so great, I left a piece of my heart with them too! 

Chapter 17 "Sanctify to thee thy deepest distress"

Immediate responses from all our parents tells me that perhaps I felt more hopeful than it came across in my last letter. That’s ok. Sometimes authentic and vulnerable helps other people, especially when everyone experiences trials and the need to find a way to navigate them. 

Our sincere strivings to reconcile the trial and faith is a life-long pursuit. We get to learn and re-learn the same lessons we’ve already learned, but over time we have more and more to reflect upon, more experiences to draw upon that remind us we weren’t left alone before, and we most certainly won’t be now.  It doesn’t change the pain. That’s real, but it does direct our HOPE. 

I woke up this morning to a barrage of emails filled with encouraging, expressions of understanding and love. I can’t thank you enough! Our experiences are not unique. None of us are islands and the fact that we can relate to one another at such an authentic human level is actually uplifting. 

 Many of you sighted the uncanny parallel to this week’s study in the Doctrine and Covenants of Joseph Smith’s writings from Liberty jail where he was imprisoned through the cold dark months of winter, separated from friends and family, being fed poisoned, or rotten food, in a cellar so low that they were unable to stand up fully, and with guards who mocked and deriled them at every turn. 

In his deepest distress, he called out, “Oh God, where art thou? Where is the pavilion that covers thy hiding place?” His anguish and deprivations lead him, even as it did the Savior, to ask “Oh God, why have you forsaken me?” But had he not shared how he was really feeling, would we recognize the miracle of one of the most marvelously consoling revelations in scripture that followed? “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee... “adding to the assurance in (D&C 90:24) that “all things shall work together for thy good.” 

That’s powerful! It’s sacred and profoundly powerful because it didn’t come under a rainbow, sipping lemonade by the cool river. It came when he was suffering and in in pain. I take great strength in that! I know I expressed pain because pain is real. But it won’t last. I know we’ll immerge from this challenge and be ready for another one of a different sort. As we have immerged in the past, God has blessed us to see the miracles of all the little things that make a difference. All the little evidences that He’s there. 

YOU dear friends and family are foremost among them! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing them! I can’t respond to all of them, but they are a salve I am strengthened by and I file them in a folder I consider to be personal scripture.  In the end we ALL re-discover the source of peace.  

Many letters came this week from missionaries as well. They, however did NOT know we were struggling and so their words of gratitude were even sweeter. “President I just felt like I wanted to let you know how much you’ve helped me...” and others like it. 

 Missionaries pass through our home many, many times during a week. Friday evening after the all-day training we had done amidst delivering 6 missionaries to the airport in 4 separate groups, and with only hours to prepare to give a skills training and spiritual workshop the next day, 2 sister missionaries brought some supplies for us to take the next morning. They knew nothing of the pressures of the day or the week in general, and yet before they left, Sister Fewell asked, “Sister Collins, can we leave you with a prayer?” 

 The three of us stood in a tiny little circle with our arms wrapped tightly around each other while she prayed one of the most beautiful prayers I’ve ever felt. I don’t remember a word, but I remember what I felt as a warm blanket of peace just wrapped us up together. 

We stood there when her simple prayer was done and didn’t move. I was sobbing quietly and took them in my arms to tell them they had no idea the gift they’d given me. Aaaaalll those missionaries who have come through our door and Sis Fewell and Sis Davis, who were simply making a delivery, thought to offer a prayer with me on THAT day of all days! They had no idea the stress we were feeling as we prepared to invite our missionaries to make some more difficult changes the next day. 

 Before a group of missionaries, we asked Elder Toupo, who was leaving for home next, to offer the spiritual thought. Of all the things he could have said, it was this... “Over the course of my mission, I have learned the Doctrine of Christ and all about Christlike attributes, but when Pres Collins came it opened my eyes to personal revelation, ordinances and covenants;

to love and charity, how to love our investigating friends enough to lift them, that there is a sequence of things; that it doesn’t make sense to follow the prophet, but not follow the Bishop or not love our companion. If you love Pres. and sister Collins, and I know you do, that will begin with loving your companion. I hear you say, ‘Oh I love sis Collins, she loves us so much.’ ‘Oh I can feel President Collins loves the missionaries, but we need to show our love for them in return, by loving each other, by loving the people we teach and by wanting only what’s best for them!” 

 The fact that he saw that from us was also a beautiful gift because it was indeed what we had hoped would “stick.” 

I know we just have to keep our focus on the charity part, the lifting part and feel confident that God is there with us, regardless of how many Giants are in the same frame. He sends us just what we need when we need it- doesn’t he? 

We’re so blessed that among all the rest, he also sent us YOU! We feel your strength, your love, your support and your trust in the Father of us all! Our beloved mentor and mission trainer whose voice of confidence still rings in our ears as we teach, shared these words just moments ago I’d like to end with.

When through deep waters, I call thee to go. 

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’re flow, 

 For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, 

 And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress. 

 When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply. 

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. 

 To all of you who feel as we have, there is hope. We won’t give up will we! We will keep going because we know to whom we belong and why we’re here! And most importantly we know that He is capable of turning all things for our good!

Love you all! Have a blessed week! Sister Collins

Chapter 16 "Bear with patience thine afflictions

11-7-2021 I’m behind, I know. These posts were written a week ago and I have, quite literally, not had 2 min. to send them. As I re-read them this morning, I am encouraged by the depth of understanding our Heavenly Father is trying to share with us. I’m grateful. Weary, but grateful- in a way maybe only Zach can understand after completing his triathlon. Weary, because he earned it, but grateful he found what he needed inside of himself to continue. 

Thank you for being our anchors! We literally couldn’t do this without you! 

 10-31-2021 I’m sorry it will be rushed again. I’m grabbing the 30 minutes available to write while Rick conducts a baptismal interview. We still have to make our plans for MLC with the Assistants shortly and have much more to do tonight. 

 In short, we had the most incredible Mission President Conference in Nashville last week. Being gone for 5 days where we got to be fed by the spirit, supported by the brethren and receive training we can take back to our missionaries was phenomenal! Like a virtual blanket of warmth and comfort! But coming back was super hard again to jump back in, not just a bit behind, but with some difficult new things to navigate on top of the normal bustle that always accompanies this week. 

 Without even an momentary pause from Sunday to Saturday, decisions on transfers had to be finalized, assignments and calls had to made. We received, prepared and hosted a new senior couple, 25 new missionaries at the mission home, conducted a full day of training for them, fed, housed, sent them out into their areas a couple of hours before hosting the out-going group of missionaries for a meal, devotional, breakfast and airport the next morning. 

Within hours of taking that last batch of missionaries to the airport, we were on the road to Springfield Missouri 2 hours away to speak in the Saturday night session of their stake conference and drive the 2 hours back that night because Rick had an 8:30 am meeting in Bentonville this morning. 

 On top of that, we have temporarily re-shuffled companionships so 6 more missionaries can trickle back to their originally assigned missions, had to emergency transfer out 2 sets of sister missionaries from their area because of a stalker and another serious threat which took hours to unravel and properly handle. 

Underneath it all we’re still unraveling a host of issues we inherited and have been both figuratively and literally constantly on our knees about it! We have worked 16 -hour days for 4 months, seeing much progress, but after a well- intended survey was sent out by our assistants to identify problems, there is suddenly a different picture immerging that contradicts all the experience and interactions we’ve had. 

Is it real, accurate? Does it represent “things as they really are? We don’t yet know, but we want desperately to unlock it so we know how to help. 

 Understandably, I became very discouraged and begged Heavenly Father for guidance today... God lovingly and mercifully brought to my mind the story of Joshua and Jericho (Numbers 13:17-44 and Joshua 14:10-12) I found some really helpful direction so I drew it out in picture form to help me visualize it. 

 As many stories are in the Old Testament, the application is better when focusing on the abstract rather than the detail. In short when Joshua was asked by the Lord to take the city of Jericho for an inheritance. He sent spies (or surveyors) into the land to check things out, essentially see what they were dealing with, and make a plan. Those men “painted a picture” of GIANTS in the land and the seemingly impossible task to do as the Lord commanded. They, in effect, painted a picture with THEM and the GIANTS in the same picture frame. 

That’s what I was feeling this morning... “It’s too big, too much, too hard, too overwhelming and too impossible!” Essentially, I was- seeing and numbering ALL the GIANTS we are facing! 

 Now, I love this...When Joshua did his own assessment, he didn’t leave out the giants, they were still there, but when he paints his picture, he puts GOD in the same frame with all of them! That was the part I needed to conscientiously do! 

Immediately, a warmth came over me and I saw the impossible immerge as possible again. I realized that when some try to speak for others, they may project their views or fears or interpretations. We still need to believe and acknowledge the GIANTS- because we know they’re there, BUT by putting God in the picture frame with us, He’ll help us not only meet the challenges, but see things as they really are from His perspective! It’s His work, They’re His children, we’re His servants. He’s in the frame with us! I get to move over a few more inches or feet, or whatever is necessary, to put Him back in the same frame with us again and IF that’s what some of the missionaries, who have lost their focus need to do, well then, we’ll help them do that! 

 If we conclude that whole story of Joshua, the task is accomplished by whittling down a huge army to a few men (another impossible probability) and then God makes the wall tumble down Himself. Showing us that once again, that no meaningful success will occur through our own power. I’m not sure what that’s going to look like for us, but we’re on His errand so He will instruct us how and when to blow our trumpet.

Chapter 15 "Feed my Sheep"

Click the link and watch this YouTube video now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZASI21QAMI Trust me, you have 13 minutes because I’m writing only a few lines today. Later this morning we’re leaving for our Mission Leader Seminar in Nashville for 5 days. (It’s such a big deal, they even pushed back our new arriving missionaries a week to accommodate our being able to participate) I‘m sure I won’t have a chance to write again until we’re back. “Feed my Sheep” was the message we shared with our youth leaders on Monday. Rick followed this video by reading a touching excerpt from the biography of Neal A. Maxwell (I included it as an attachment) And though I’d seen the video several times before and had heard the quote, it did nothing to stop the onslaught of tears that followed. Even after the closing prayer was offered, I was struggling to gain composure and had an entire box of damp keenex clenched in my hand. Missionaries closest to me gathered around and one sweet young man came up, put his arm around me and said, “Oh Sis. Colins, don’t be sad.” I smiled really big and got to teach him the same thing I had to teach my own children and grandchildren… “Tears, even ugly ones, don’t always mean your sad. Sometimes, crazy people like me cry when they‘re overcome with gratitude!” All those years I sat on the sideline- I could not be more grateful to be in the game now! God has asked us to Feed His Sheep and there’s nothing I’d rather be trusted with. No matter how plain and simple we are – we can surely do that! And for NO other reason than that WE LOVE HIM! Feed My Sheep video – Elder Holland YouTube 13.26 min begins like this…”There is almost no group in history for whom I have more sympathy than I have for the 11 remaining apostles following the death of the Savior of the world. I think we sometimes forget just how inexperienced they were and how totally dependent they had, of necessity, been. Of them he said, “Have I been so long time with thee and thou has not known me?” After such a short time to learn and even less time to prepare, the unthinkable happened, the unbelievable was true…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZASI21QAMI I’d love to know your thoughts… Good morning and have a wonderful week!

Chapter 14 "The comforter can, and will, abide with me forever."

In John 14 Jesus is trying to teach his disciples He would not always personally be with them, but His “spirit” can be.... John 14:16 “And I will pray (to) the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever; 

17: Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it sees him not, neither knows him: but ye know him; for he dwells with you, and shall be in you.

18: I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” 

 25: ...These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you (while I’m still here) 

26: But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name (after I’m gone), He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. 

 27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I open with this scripture because it encapsulates what this past weekend was like for us, and every other moment we are called upon to talk in an official capacity without preparation! 

 We were asked to speak with Elder Jaggi, a General Authority, in the Springfield Stake after our Zone Conference there. We stayed two extra days to do so, but since the Saturday session was in the late afternoon, I hopped at the chance to teach with 2 of our sister missionaries earlier in the day which happened to be at the same building where the Stk. conf was being held. While I was in with the girls, Rick found a classroom to use for his office until he was discovered by the Stake President who invited us both to come in and meet with their whole council and Elder Jaggi. I couldn’t stay after our brief introduction because I was in the teaching appointment, but Rick did and was invited to sit on the stand for the leadership session (which we hadn’t previously even been invited to.) 

 Once we finished our teaching appointment and I had taken our investigating friend home, I slipped in the back of the chapel just in time to watch Elder Jaggi lean over and whisper something to Rick during the last verse of the intermediate hymn. Even from the back, I could see all the color flow from his face and he was white as a sheet! Moments later he was standing and leading a 20-minute-long discussion on “The work of salvation on both sides of the veil and how to conduct MCM meetings”. 

 My heart was pounding for him as I know this is the definition of his worst night mare to be called upon with no preparation BUT, he did beautifully, even seamlessly! Now it stands to reason that with even a 5-minute heads-up, he could have drummed up some quotes, looked up some scriptures, thought of some powerful thought-provoking questions to augment and support the discussion, but there was no time for that, so instead, he taught from his experience and his heart, relying wholly upon the spirit who somehow brought questions and scriptures to mind which he had previously studied. Occasionally, Elder Yaggi would lean forward and whisper an instruction to help him like “Ask them to come up” when teaching who should participate in an MCM, or tell more about that...”

 Shortly after, Elder Jaggi spotted me in the back of the room and had me come up and join Rick at the pulpit and eventually had me share a personal experience that supported a new group discussion he had just initiated. 

The following session, he does it again; Turns around in the middle of the intermediate hymn and asks us to come up together and offer our testimonies. (Though I seldom mind that because I love speaking about my Savior.) Later that evening as we were leaving, he asks us to take the talks we had both prepared for the next morning and plan to stand at the pulpit together and give them. As we drove away, I said, “That was the only thing I ‘comfortably’ had left! Which one of our talks are we going to give- Yours or mine?” 

 So rather than breathe a sigh of relief that night and feel prepared, we sat in our hotel room and tried to figure out how to volley back and forth and teach something coherent together and then I laid awake fitfully worrying about what new curveball could be tossed our way. Somehow, it worked beautifully and felt natural and comfortable- like Cinderella’s slipper fitting on her foot. 

 As I think back about this experience now, I wonder if Elder Jaggi (and frankly every other visiting authority,) is trying to teach us to forget ourselves and trust the spirit. It seems every single time, we’ve been forced terribly far outside our circle of comfort, only to learn we can survive it. If that’s a deliberate attempt, I don’t know, but it’s horribly uncomfortable...

Like I imagine it would be if you run across a train track, get your foot stuck, see a train barreling toward you, brace yourself for impact and then uncover your face to discover the train is suddenly on the other side of you and you’re safely watching the caboose disappear around the corner out of sight. You kind of stand there breathless and limp, like “What just happened?” And yet-THAT’S the Holy Spirit and His ability to “teach you all things and bring all things to your remembrance.” It’s certainly not us! But apparently, it’s very important we become ever more comfortable with that kind of reliance!  

We have 2 more conferences to speak in this coming weekend (1 with a visiting authority) It’s hard to imagine we’ll ever be comfortable doing this! Let’s just say... In time I’m hopeful we will.

We’ve learned to recognize and act upon promptings in our personal life forever, particularly in the last decade, but this time it’s on display for all to see when, and if, there’s failure. It’s the most intimidating, difficult thing I’ve ever done! I feel like I bring this up nearly every week, but it’s sooo much a part of my fear. A fear, I am determined to overcome with faith! Because we’ve been promised... “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. 

 I know the Comforter can and will abide with me forever.

Chapter 13 “His Grace is sufficient”

We’ve just checked into our Hotel here in Springfield MO for the next 3 nights. (we’ve already been on the road for 2) I may not have time to finish this letter, but perhaps I can start it. 

 It’s been another whirlwind week of zone conferences and tomorrow will be our last one this round (the 10th in 3 weeks) I know our parents worry that we’ll wear out, but honestly being with the missionaries is like plugging into an outlet! Between listening to General Conference last weekend and meeting with them, we are fully “charged.” 

 It’s a miracle really. Not unlike the kind that sustains a 97-year-old prophet to bop around like a 30-year-old; He and all the other “old men” who over-see a church of over 16.5 million people. One of the apostles’ great granddaughters is a missionary of ours and she says they all work 9 -10-hour days and keep ticking with full energy, stamina and mental faculty! I know that happens through “Grace” which is something I’ve been studying lately…

Grace is defined as “an enabling power from God to do things we cannot do on our own…” (bible dictionary) There are many ways the Lord enables us… 

 -ability to progress when the way before us is blocked- 

-feel peace amidst turbulence, 

 -to have joy when surrounded by sorrow. -to find strength despite our trials! 

-not to mention when my own capacity to forgive, or find impossible solutions, or love others who are difficult to love, or see beyond the pain of the moment- is terribly inadequate, I can ask for His grace, His love, His ability- and He will fill the empty spaces I am incapable of filling, enlarge my capacity and give me His eternal perspective. 

 I’ve long believed that in my own life, the greater miracle, by far, than being healed, was to have had the strength and peace during the years before I was made whole! It took a long while for me to learn to recognize it, but it was so obvious as the challenges increased that we were not alone through any of it! 

 The same was true for the people of Alma who were in bondage to the Lamanites and had heavy burdens to bear. They were weighed down and begging God to remove them from their trials (as we all do) While, in time, he does help them escape, He first gives them what I consider to be a greater miracle; the ability to “bear up their burdens with ease.” 

 President Nelson taught us, “Joy is not found in the circumstances of our lives, but in the focus of our lives.” I couldn’t agree more! 

 When I re-read the entire chapter of 2N 25 it puts verse 23 in a different context…“My grace is sufficient, after all we can do”… (2N 25:23) We all know that we do not earn our way to heaven or into the heart of God- That happens through Grace, but what I am discovering is that my “all I can do” is to “Believe in Christ.” The rest of the chapter repeats at least 6 times in those words and another dozen in similar wording. I know that no matter how talented, or accomplished or polished or learned or practiced or charismatic, we will We ALL “ fall short of the Glory of God…” (Romans 3:23) But through His divine Grace (made possible through Christ’s Atonement) we can return to Him. 

 And that’s o.k! That’s by design! We get to choose to Him, to Believe in Him and rely on Him! “…Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in Him, relying wholly on the merits of Him who is mighty to save.” (2N 31:19) 

Combined with the understanding we have of the Atonement of Christ, it’s really powerful! “Restoring what you cannot restore, healing the world you cannot heal, fixing that which you broke and cannot fix is the very purpose of the Atonement of Christ…” (Elder Packer) 

Many people (including some of our missionaries) take “Perfectionism” or the invitation to become perfect a little too literally. I don’t have to explain what the world means by perfect. But the Greek translation of the word “perfect” means “complete” or “finished”. So the invitation to “be ye therefore perfect” means to be complete and if we understand that only happens through Christ, we know our “all we can do” is to Believe he’s capable of finishing us! Completing us! 

I love the scripture in (2 Corr 12:7-9) “My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect (or complete) in weakness.” 

“I am nothing- as to my own strength I am weak.” (Alma 26:12) And THAT’S OK. 

Each of these 9 Zone Conferences so far has beautifully illustrated this principal in the lives of our missionaries. I marvel at their growth and increased capacity! It’s like watching one of those national geographic videos of a seed sprouting into a tree in time lapse photography. There were some we met when we arrived that were unsure and timid, others who struggled to hold personal study or do companionship study, still more who weren’t sure why they were here or didn’t yet love the work or the people, and still others whose own testimonies needed a major boost! But they put forth effort, they pray for love, they “experiment” on the word, learn to rely on their Savior, study and work and exercise faith and they change before our very eyes! I love it!  

They’re trusting, even reverencing, the incredible example in Rick! I know he’s far less theatrical than the last president, but they see in Him what I’ve always seen and that is that Quiet waters run deep! They’ve really come to love & respect Him as evidenced in their letters & interviews.

It’s the first full Zone conference we’ve been able really plan and execute ourselves since we arrived and it’s been phenomenal! They teach, inspire, strengthen and lift each other and us! I’m amazed at their depth and capacity. In many ways I look up to them. I know how green I feel, but they are so young and yet so wise! There’s no place I’d rather be while we’re here than with them! We couldn’t feel more blessed! Growth is real, change is possible! God is real and His Grace is sufficient!